Monday, May 18, 2009

Oh God My Aching Back, And Aren't Those Republicans Funny

A friend who lives in San Francisco came through Salt Lake on his way east. We stayed up late and talked, and then once he'd gone to bed in the guest room of the big house, I stayed up late too revved up to sleep. Then this morning he came out to the little house at 7:15. I never get up that early. So I rolled out of bed to have coffee with him and then once he'd hit the road, I was wired on coffee and ready to work.

I use muscle when brain would be easier. I've worked today on much less sleep than usual, but I've been thinking while I was working, so maybe tomorrow my fingers might not feel like clubs and I can type a post without wincing. Then maybe I can finally talk about Michael Steele's stupid speech today without falling off my chair laughing. Republican's "navel gazing?" Jesus, they don't even know what empathy means, how could they navel gaze? When have they ever been up for introspection? I bet a term like "navel gazing" makes most republican's cringe. And "The Honeymoon's Over!" They're going to take on Obama, that celebrity!

I've got to learn to wear work gloves when I work. I've treated my hands like they were wire brushes trying to get mineral buildup off the inside of the three sides of the swamp cooler, removed the old pads and replaced them. It's a dirty job and takes some muscle to get the grills that hold the pads in place out of the holes that hold the grills in place. Oh crap, I can't explain the way a swamp cooler works.

Now I have to go bandage my hands.

What Kind of Blog Am I

Dear La Belette Rouge,

I'm having exactly that same problem with my blog. Am I a bipolar blog? Is it all about my craziness--my reclusivety, my lack of interest in the outside world, always about the navel gazing? I occasionally write a poem or post a bit of political outrage, and then there is a small palate cleansing of a bit of jazz. But even I know that I grow stale, old, dull on certain days. Mondays seem to be the worst for me. Now that you have me thinking about it, I realize that I will probably post this email to my blog, since I woke up with nothing to say. Nothing. I have nothing to add to what's been said. The conversation has come to an uncomfortable silence for me. Where do I go from here? Do I have too many things in the air juggling like mad and is it all about to come crashing down on my head in a loud clatter and then a deafening silence?

There are so many days I wake up and face the keyboard with nothing at all to say. I will have listened to the news, but neglected the newspapers, or big news blogs to find later in the day that had I done the slightest bit of reading I would have found something of substance to shout about. But today I'm a tabula rasa. So I'll probably take this letter to you and try to make it into something.

And for me, the reader of your blog, your therapy sessions are my favorite days. I worry about you when you go shopping, having been the sort of woman who used shopping as a substitute for whatever my life lacked. What my life did not lack was new designer clothes, fifty pairs of shoes, jewelry I never wore, the latest handbags, new sheets, new towels, the latest kitchen gadget, a vase, scented candles in new fragrances, and on and on. So I see shopping as a substitute for meaning. I see shopping as a way to fill the hole my mother left in my soul. And yes, at my age with my mother safely dead almost three and a half years, she still haunts me now and then and even as I say that I realize how silly it sounds that a dead woman still has the power to scare me, take whatever pleasure I have in a moment and turn it into pain. I know it is me giving her ghost power. I also know my hiding out like a woman living in a self imposed prison is a pathetic attempt to have a little control over what has been a chaotic life.

Why is it that in moments like these, I hear lines from The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock running through my mind? It's a poem that was written by a very young man. Why does it now hold such power for me? Why has it always? From the moment I first read it, sometime in my teens, it has held my attention and made me feel as if at least TS Eliot would have understood me. More than likely had TS Eliot the slightest relationship to me, he'd have thrown me in some moderately priced looney bin and been done with me. I'm amazed my family didn't. I suppose knowing that they might made me pretend with all my might that I was peachy. And there it is again, another echo from the long dead Eliot.

Well, now I have a post I think. I hope you won't mind if I post this letter to you or at least portions of it. Thanks for the inspiration. Were it not for you, I'd have nothing to say today.